People Who Excel at Conversation Always Do These 3 Things, According to a Stanford Expert

In a world where attention is the rarest currency, mastering the art of conversation isn’t just a nicety—it’s a necessity. Whether you're leading a team, pitching an idea, or navigating a tough personal moment, how you communicate can make or break the outcome.

Stanford lecturer and communication expert Matt Abrahams knows this better than most. On the debut episode of the podcast A Fine Mess, hosted by venture capitalist Sabrina Merage Naim, Abrahams shares three essential habits that elevate any conversation—especially the difficult ones.

Here’s what the best communicators always do:

1. They Slow Down Before They Speak

When emotions run high or stakes feel heavy, our instinct is often to jump in fast. But Abrahams urges us to pause. Take a breath. Ask yourself: Is now the right time to have this conversation?

He shares a personal story about delaying a tough talk with his brother after their father passed away. By waiting, they allowed emotions to settle and clarity to emerge—leading to a more thoughtful, respectful exchange.

Why it works: Slowing down gives your brain space to organize thoughts and your heart time to soften. It’s not avoidance—it’s strategic timing.

2. They Focus on the Other Person

Great communicators aren’t just great talkers—they’re great listeners. Abrahams emphasizes the power of shifting your attention outward. What’s the other person feeling? What do they need from this moment?

This isn’t about being passive. It’s about being present. When you tune in to someone else’s perspective, you build trust, diffuse tension, and open the door to real understanding.

Why it works: Empathy transforms conversations from transactional to transformational.

3. They Know Their Communication Goal

Before you speak, get clear on your purpose. Are you trying to inform, persuade, connect, or resolve? Abrahams calls this “goal-oriented communication,” and it’s a game-changer.

When you know your destination, you’re less likely to get lost in tangents or emotional detours. You can steer the conversation with intention and clarity.

Why it works: Purpose anchors your message and helps others follow your lead.

Final Thought

In an age of constant noise, the ability to communicate with clarity, empathy, and purpose is a superpower. These three habits—pausing, listening, and goal-setting—aren’t just for TED Talk speakers or podcast hosts. They’re for all of us.

Whether you're running a small-town business, leading a community initiative, or simply trying to connect more deeply with those around you, these tools can help you turn messy moments into meaningful ones.

You can listen to the full episode of A Fine Mess featuring Matt Abrahams on Apple Podcasts or explore more of his resources on his official site